In His Presence

As I look at where I am today and truly search the depths of my soul for truth I see some interesting things. I also see some crazy scary things. One of the things I see is that I have two polar opposite feelings inside me when I think about being in God's presence. I have at first a thought and feeling of incredible awe, happiness, excitement. But, at the same time I have to admit to the feelings of despair, complete fear, and disappointment. How can this be? Aren't I supposed to be thrilled to be with God, to be near God?
I think part of this is probably around my lacking prayer life. Maybe if I spent more time in God's presence, allowing God to come near to me I would want to be near him. But instead, I spend most of my time worrying about how God must view me. I know he loves me fully. I know he has given everything for me. Yet still, I dwell on the fact that I have completely let him down to this point with my life. I have failed to dream his dreams. I have failed to seek his will over my own. And, I cannot help but think on those things when I think about being in his presence. After all, there is nothing I can hide from God. The mere attempt to hide something must be a great offense to the all-knowing creator.
I want to again come into his presence with full praise, honor, worship and obedience. I want to see God, experience God without the guilt of my failures. I want to believe in my deepest parts that he has removed my failure as far as east is from west. Hmm, maybe I should start praying that way instead of typing those thoughts into a computer. Maybe, I should put my mind aside and simply share in God's thoughts and dreams. Maybe I should spend more time in his presence, free of the self-imposed expectations that keep me down.
I think this might be the single biggest foothold I am leaving in my life for Satan these days. I am so tied to my logic, my thoughts that I cannot let go and trust God completely. I am unable to submit completely to him and let his dreams be my dreams. I want to dream big, and God's dreams are certainly big! I need his help. I need him to clear me out of his way. I need him to be present with me.
ADDENDUM (just read this excerpt from Paul Richardson's "A Certain Risk" a few hours after posting this) WOW!

[God's] Spirit within us challenges our calloused old habits. As we stand facing our Creator, the world around us slows, then freezes into silence, leaving us alone under the wide-open sky and in the silence of our thoughts. We must choose. To turn away would mean continuing to exist through some half-lived, masked charade. To step more deeply into [God] involves tearing our souls open and being swept into his dreams.

God is always the more dangerous option.