Monday, September 27, 2010

In His Presence

As I look at where I am today and truly search the depths of my soul for truth I see some interesting things. I also see some crazy scary things. One of the things I see is that I have two polar opposite feelings inside me when I think about being in God's presence. I have at first a thought and feeling of incredible awe, happiness, excitement. But, at the same time I have to admit to the feelings of despair, complete fear, and disappointment. How can this be? Aren't I supposed to be thrilled to be with God, to be near God?
I think part of this is probably around my lacking prayer life. Maybe if I spent more time in God's presence, allowing God to come near to me I would want to be near him. But instead, I spend most of my time worrying about how God must view me. I know he loves me fully. I know he has given everything for me. Yet still, I dwell on the fact that I have completely let him down to this point with my life. I have failed to dream his dreams. I have failed to seek his will over my own. And, I cannot help but think on those things when I think about being in his presence. After all, there is nothing I can hide from God. The mere attempt to hide something must be a great offense to the all-knowing creator.
I want to again come into his presence with full praise, honor, worship and obedience. I want to see God, experience God without the guilt of my failures. I want to believe in my deepest parts that he has removed my failure as far as east is from west. Hmm, maybe I should start praying that way instead of typing those thoughts into a computer. Maybe, I should put my mind aside and simply share in God's thoughts and dreams. Maybe I should spend more time in his presence, free of the self-imposed expectations that keep me down.
I think this might be the single biggest foothold I am leaving in my life for Satan these days. I am so tied to my logic, my thoughts that I cannot let go and trust God completely. I am unable to submit completely to him and let his dreams be my dreams. I want to dream big, and God's dreams are certainly big! I need his help. I need him to clear me out of his way. I need him to be present with me.
ADDENDUM (just read this excerpt from Paul Richardson's "A Certain Risk" a few hours after posting this) WOW!
[God's] Spirit within us challenges our calloused old habits. As we stand facing our Creator, the world around us slows, then freezes into silence, leaving us alone under the wide-open sky and in the silence of our thoughts. We must choose. To turn away would mean continuing to exist through some half-lived, masked charade. To step more deeply into [God] involves tearing our souls open and being swept into his dreams.
God is always the more dangerous option.


Duane said...

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" - Romans 8:1
Read Romans 8, actually read 7 and 8. In 7 Paul in facing a similar dilemma, "What a wretched man I am!" but chapter 8 is full of hope and promise.